So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
