T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
