I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
