so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
