Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
