i would punch a child for taco bell
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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