Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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