...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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