my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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