don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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