I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
