My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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