Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize