honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
