i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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