she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
