I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
