There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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