Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
