her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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