It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
