i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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