you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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