Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
