Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
