My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
