just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
