If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
