theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
