Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
