i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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