maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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