i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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