I must be too annoying 4 u.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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