I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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