The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
