well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
