I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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