I am puke
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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