6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
