it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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