who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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