I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
