this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
