We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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