When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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