That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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