I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
God, I missed his penis.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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