I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
