I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You need Xanax blowdarts
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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