I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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