I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
