Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize