see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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