talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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